I see a wide variety of local clients every day and there are some pretty significant questions that I get — some of those are relevant to the larger community. This column serves as a way to answer the most frequently asked mental health and wellness questions for the benefit of all Space Coast residents.
Q: I have been divorced for two years now. My ex and I have a 13-year-old son together.
It is very difficult co-parenting with my ex. In my attempts to communicate with him he is condescending, manipulative and controlling.
We have both moved on to new relationships. I had hoped this would de-escalate the situation, but unfortunately the negative communication continues.
It is constant mind games and chaos. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted by it.
Several people have suggested he fits the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and in my own research it does seem to be fitting.
He especially struggles to ever consider a different perspective other than his own. There is no compromising or collaborating with him.
What can I do on my part to make this a more peaceful situation for the next five years that we will need to co-parent together?
A. In most cases it is healthy and wise to distance yourself from or completely remove toxic relationships from your life.
Unfortunately, there are times where that is not an option such as co-parenting. It can leave people feeling stuck in a past they are trying to heal from.
Exploring a diagnosis for your ex, such as a personality disorder, is our natural way of trying to make sense of human behavior. It helps us understand why things are happening and depersonalize them.
The other benefit of having a diagnosis is seeking out effective resources. Realistically, however, we can’t diagnose your ex.
The good new is, you don’t actually have to have a diagnosis to benefit from tools and techniques for responding to negative behavior.
Whether or not your ex has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you are observing he has manipulative behaviors and lacks empathy.
Gaining tools and techniques for communicating and establishing boundaries with an individual who displays these behaviors is the key, regardless of the diagnosis.
I find the first step in coping with a difficult individual is to first get to a place of acceptance that they are likely going to be difficult most of the time.
If your ex has been displaying this behavior for years, it is likely he is going to continue this behavior moving forward.
If you accept this fact, then you expect the negative responses and are no longer shocked by them.
In time, and with mental practice, the negative responses no longer have the power to anger you because you already expected them.
The behavior is not right, but it’s to be expected. This state of mind helps you remain calm and empowers you to keep a sense of peace in your own life despite your ex’s choices.
It’s not always easy, but it is a powerful mindset to work toward.
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Maintaining a healthy mindset will help you be less reactive and respond in effective ways.
Part of your acceptance must include the reality that you are not going to get your feelings validated by this individual and they are unlikely to be willing to consider your perspective.
Therefore, you want to respond to your ex with direct, brief and emotionally neutral responses.
Manipulative people need you to engage so they can twist and turn the conversation in the direction they want it to go.
Even negative responses are still engagement and fuel the fire for manipulation.
Do not give any more details than what is necessary. Do not include emotions in your responses, only facts.
As you begin to observe the communication more objectively, you will also begin to notice there will often be comments made by your ex that do not require a response at all.
Even if you feel tempted to fire back at him after a rude comment, logically you know this will only lead to keeping the unwanted dialog going.
Sometimes no response is the best response. Additionally, you may want to consider using an app such as Our Family Wizard to keep documentation of the dialog in the case you should need a third party involved at some point.
My final suggestion is to make a conscious decision to not let this consume your life. Anger is a natural human response when you have been mistreated, but holding on to anger for long periods of time is a lot of wasted energy on a negative situation.
Handle what communication is necessary in making proper decisions for your son and then move on to channel your energy into good self-care, healthy relationships, and the things that bring you joy in life.
If you have a question related to emotional well-being that you would like to submit for consideration to be posted and answered in this column, you may email your inquiries to kristin@pamperyourmind.com
Kristin Woodling is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Chief Executive Officer of Pamper Your Mind LLC in Satellite Beach. Details about the practice and services provided can be found at pamperyourmind.com
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