We've all worried about saying the right thing when we’re navigating a workplace issue such as someone talking over us in a meeting or a team leader taking credit for our ideas. Or it could be facing a big presentation, job interview, giving a speech as a manager or a troubled relationship with a new client. When business leaders or coworkers avoid addressing these issues, it creates unspoken tension among the employees.
According to Gallup, employee engagement is at an all-time low, and workplace conflict is on the rise, according to Newsweek, citing a WorkNest report that feuding coworkers make up around 50% of all workplace grievances, and 60% of employees never receive conflict management training. Plus, the 2024 Workhuman study found that 60% of employees report encountering “unwritten rules” that cause miscommunication and disconnection. Others complain that unaddressed conversations about verbal trespassing” cause work relationships to crumble—devolving into bitterness and conflict.
Nearly 75% of employees say their employers haven’t trained managers to lead a distributed team, established team or meeting norms or adopted best practices to support working across distances. And one-third of U.S. hiring managers anticipate employee turnover at their company to increase this year, costing an average of $36,295 annually for firms. Addressing difficult conversations and listening to employees can help slow turnover and create a less toxic work culture.
According to Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, sociologist and relationship expert, the process of addressing difficult conversations starts with your own fear of bringing up a sensitive matter with a colleague. That’s right. The fear of the consequences causes not only coworkers but many leaders to avoid addressing a difficult conversation. Gunsaullus offers five tips on how to address “the elephant in the workplace” and have difficult conversations with literally anyone at work.
1-Identify What's At The Heart Of Your fear
Gunsaullus told me by email that when she works with clients around fear of communication in their workplaces, she starts by getting clear on what exactly they are afraid of feeling and happening. “First, consider what emotions you may be trying to avoid,” she advises. “There is fear, but there could also be emotions such as general anxiety, embarrassment, shame, frustration and anger. These could come from being perceived as rude, offensive, stupid, unworthy, judged, privileged, too loud or out of control, etc.” She explains that once you pinpoint the complex emotion blocking your ability to openly communicate, you can unpack what perceived consequences you are trying to avoid. “Are you afraid of being judged as rude and therefore not liked?” she asks. “Perhaps you fear being perceived as not smart or an imposter, and ultimately you are afraid of getting fired. Figuring out specifically what's worrying you can help you identify and tackle it.”
2-Lead With Self-Compassion And Curiosity
Self-compassion is an important skill to develop. Like any skill, it takes practice in order to enjoy the advantages it brings to your career. Gunsaullus agrees that the practice of self-compassion is a good starting place to cultivate confidence in all situations. “Practice acknowledging and accepting your fears and discomfort around certain conversations with kindness and warmth towards yourself,” she recommends. “Understand many people in workplaces around the world struggle with similar fears and feelings of discomfort whether it's over a big client presentation or job interview, you're not alone here. We're all human and we all make mistakes.” She suggests approaching conversations with a lens of curiosity and kindness, seeking to understand others' perspectives and emotions. “This combination of common humanity and self-kindness helps motivate us from a stuck place and cultivate some confidence for action.”
3-Try A Confidence And Energy Boosting Exercise
The sociologist offers a simple exercise, for example, if you’re going into a big meeting and know you’ll want to speak up in ways that you don’t usually do. The exercise she uses can help boost confidence and energy. “I stand tall in front of a mirror, look myself in the eyes, and say several times, ‘Who’s the woman/man?’ ‘You’re the woman/man’ as I point at myself. It reduces tension and helps take yourself less seriously while also having more confidence.”
4-Cultivate ‘Generous Listening’ And Sharing
Gunsaullus speaks of “generous listening”—carefully listening to yourself, to one another and to the larger environment with an open mind and empathy and asking better questions. It helps leaders deepen their understanding, form better partnerships and cultivate a more collaborative culture at work, she notes. Now that firms are conducting longer interview processes, she insists that the practice of generous listening turns these into a more fluid conversation and helps build rapport, rather than a copy and paste feeling interview. “Actively listening to others, gives them your full attention and holds your intent to understand. You don’t interrupt, judge, correct, give advice or fix them. Just like generous listening, generous sharing involves speaking your thoughts and ideas through the same understanding and kindness,” she points out. “Use ‘I’ statements to own your emotions, perceptions and beliefs. Ask how your ideas are showing up to others and ask for their opinions, fostering a supportive and open communication environment.”
5-Build Solid Relationships Through Curiosity And Compassion
“Just like the ease you feel when talking with an old friend building a stronger relationship with your team helps you communicate effectively and efficiently,” according to Gunsaullus. She advocates showing genuine interest in the lives and perspectives of others to sharpen communication. “Practice self-compassion before engaging in conversations, then ask curiosity-driven questions to learn more about their interests and values. If you hear them talk about something they did the previous weekend, ask curiosity questions to learn more about why they enjoyed it and what matters to them. If they share something about their child, ask questions and show genuine interest in their family. Building rapport through empathy and understanding can help overcome communication barriers in the workplace,” she concludes.
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