For me, the holiday season is filled with immense amounts of Korean food, outings and connecting with both sides of the family. This year, my family is not preparing for any of those things — instead we are preparing to spend the holidays separated from one another.
The holidays seem like another casualty of the coronavirus pandemic, and maybe, like me, you are not seeing your family this year, or maybe you’ll be seeing them virtually. The holidays can already be stressful under normal circumstances — family pressures, painful memories, not to mention the unending demands on your time — and add the pandemic and the recent presidential election into the mix, it’s no surprise that this holiday might be a difficult one for many of us.
So what can we do when we feel overwhelmed with sadness, grief, anxiety or even numbness? Thankfully, even during this exceptional season, there are things we can do to prioritize and honor our own mental health and well-being.
This year, all of us were forced to mourn for things that we did not want to give up, like graduations or weddings. And although honoring our feelings is a cornerstone of mental health, it can be second nature for us to dismiss our feelings as inconsequential nuisances. Instead of ignoring or suppressing painful feelings during this season, invite them, embrace them and experience them in your mind and body.
This year has also reminded all of us that none of us are immune to the difficulties of the world. Keep your human limitations in mind and release yourself from any self-imposed obligations about what you “should” do or what the holidays are “supposed” to look like. It only hurts us when we try to hold ourselves to a standard that is not achievable. Instead, practice grace and flexibility in your expectations, and give yourself the permission to not be OK and for the holidays to be different this year.
Before going into the full swing of the holiday season, take the time to identify what your specific holiday triggers may be. What about the holiday season is stressful for you? What reminders bring up painful memories? What experiences or situations make you feel irritated, sad or depressed? Make a list of those triggers so you know you need extra care and attention when you encounter them.
One of those triggers could be the financial burden of the holidays. Whether you are a parent, a friend or a colleague, there are holiday expectations to deliver in a way that requires financial commitment. However, because we only have a finite amount of money, it’s important to set a budget that honors your financial limitations. When you are tempted to overspend, remind yourself that this budget is the most respectful of your current needs.
Another trigger could be spending time with people who hold vastly different values than you. It’s easy to interpret dissenting thoughts as threats to our belief system, and when our values feel threatened, we go into survival mode, unable to have thoughtful conversations. In those situations, rather than focusing on what divides you, focus on understanding that other person. It’s a core human desire to be understood, and once we feel like that need is met, it allows us to lower our defenses, come from a calmer place and have a peace-seeking conversation.
At the end of the day, remember to care for yourself. There are many demands during the holidays, and that can be hard to balance with your own emotional, mental and physical boundaries. So whatever makes you feel good, do lots of it. Not only because it will help you cope with the stress of the holidays, but also because it’s been a hard year and you deserve love. Self-care doesn’t have to be extravagant, and it can be as simple as a good book, a clean home or connecting with a loved one. It could also be reaching out to a professional for additional support for these extraordinary stressors. Whatever it is, intentionally pursue it and mindfully enjoy it.
Ultimately, the holidays are an opportunity to seek love, connection, joy and gratitude. Even if your holidays look different this year, that doesn’t mean you can’t have those things.
Despite everything happening around us, I hope these ideas can help you be grounded in joy, happiness and more during this holiday season.
Ko is a licensed marriage and family therapist and lives in Normal Heights.
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