In breathtaking news for the prematurely gray, a research team led by scientists from Columbia University seems to have figured out how to make gray hair go back to being dark. And yes, it all has to do with reducing stress.

The team, headed by professor of behavioral medicine Martin Picard, studied 400 individual hairs taken from 14 healthy volunteers who had previously agreed to maintain detailed “stress diaries.” To the scientists’ delight, they found that the hairs were similar to the rings of a tree in showing change over time: Certain strands of gray hair had tiny bits of dark color that had grown when the volunteers were less stressed. When a person went on a short, relaxing vacation, for instance, a small number of their mostly gray hairs grew in dark, in a seeming reversal of the aging process.

The implications of this study are astounding. It is widely known that watching the New York Jets and the Detroit Lions for more than 7.5 minutes a year are such stressful activities they will turn even youthful fans’ hair gray at a very early age. My hair started to turn from brown to gray in September 1964, when the Philadelphia Phillies blew a seemingly insurmountable 6½ game lead over the St. Louis Cardinals with just 12 games to play. It has steadily gotten grayer ever since, as I have never been able to sever my emotional link with that cabal of anxiety-inducing poltroons.

Don’t even ask what the 76ers have done to my hair. And friends of mine are certain that their hair turned gray due to the clownish exploits of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the chronic choking of the Atlanta Braves and the almost unfathomable ineptitude of the Baltimore Orioles.

“ Those who wish to start reversing hair discoloration from high levels of stress should consider some immediate lifestyle changes. ”

Yet, if the scientists at Columbia are to be believed, it might be possible to get gray hair to go back to being black largely by burning the season tickets, fleeing sports bars and turning off the TV forever.

The findings don’t only apply to sports. Those who wish to immediately start reversing the hair discoloration from high levels of stress should consider the following lifestyle changes:

1. During rush hour, stay off the Capital Beltway, the 405 in Los Angeles, the Cross-Bronx Expressway and the I-25 Corridor between Colorado Springs and Denver. No, better yet, make that anytime. If you want to keep your hair from going white forever, take public transportation or try telecommuting. Better still, retire.

2. If you are already over 30, don’t try to learn the banjo, the sitar, the Texas Two-Step or German. It’s too late, it’s too hard and your hair will suffer permanent trauma.

3. Never play cards with a guy named Stretch.

4. Never let co-workers pressure you into singing “I Will Survive” in a karaoke bar. Public humiliation is so stressful that it will permanently turn your hair the color of alabaster.

5. Never borrow money from a guy named Roadkill or The Chicken Man.

6. Do not under any circumstances attend your middle-schooler’s cello recital. Such experiences are not only hair-raising; they are hair-discoloring. Clarinet recitals are even worse.

7. Do not short Amazon. Do not short Berkshire Hathaway. For best results with hair color, stay away from GameStop.

These are not the only anxiety-inducing activities that can cause hair to turn a whiter shade of pale. I’m sure that stress diaries filled out by visitors to the DMV would report that Brillo Pad hair began to recover its natural luster as soon as they left the building. Obviously, the same rule would apply to the post office.

Is there a direct connection between hair discoloration and getting a root canal? Without a doubt. Divorce? Very, very deleterious to tress tone. Anything involving the IRS is very bad for hair color, as is visiting in-laws and uninstalling Windows 11.

One final note for stressed-out parents: Packing morbid, moping teenage boys off to boarding school will result in instantaneous follicle rejuvenation. You can look it up.