Follow these seven principles to have a difficult conversation well
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Another thing the pandemic has made worse? Social and interpersonal skills, naturally, especially at work (that is, behind your computer). Too much email and not enough eye contact has made difficult conversations even harder, says executive coach Roberta Chinsky Matuson, author of the much-needed new book, Can We Talk? We can, says Matuson, if we try and tweak and practice, and here’s how.
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FP Work: What’s the most awkward conversation you’ve ever had — whether converser or “conversee”?
Roberta Chinsky Matuson: I have a great example that’s actually both. I had a boss once who made me fire someone with six kids. I felt awful, of course, but I had all the paperwork ready and I’d practiced my speech about layoffs, tough times, reduction of the workforce, nothing personal, etc. And then as soon as I was done, she called me into her office and fired me. I was so busy preparing for the first conversation that I was completely unprepared for the second one.
FP Work: That person sounds diabolical!
RCM: She was trying to teach me a lesson, and you know what? I did learn one. I’ll never forget the feeling of the conversation, from both sides, and it opened my eyes. There are so many difficult conversations, and definitions of “difficult” depend on the individual, and something can be very difficult for one party and not at all for the other. The person delivering the difficult news, if they’ve been thinking about this and preparing, could have already gotten used to it so it’s not so bad. The person first hearing the news, however, could be completely blindsided.
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FP Work: Maybe instead of Dos here, we should be talking about Do-Not-Dos?
RCM: Do not ever surprise anyone. If you need to have a hard conversation, whether it’s in person or on Zoom or whatever, always start with something like, “Is there a good time to speak privately?” which tells the person to prepare. In this day and age, they could be sitting at their dining room table with the kids running around. They could be driving. They could be sitting beside a colleague at happy hour. You don’t know.
FP Work: It’s not like you can just call someone into your office anymore.
RCM: In the past, I’d say, ‘Never have this talk via email’ or ‘Don’t do it over the phone!’ We all have had to reset the bar. Even if we’re all back in the office tomorrow, people aren’t going to show up and everything will be as it was. There are tons of people going back who have never even met their boss. They’re going from “nice to meet you” to difficult conversations at the same moment.
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FP Work: You identify seven principles to have a difficult conversation well. Can you give me a run-down?
RCM: First are confidence and clarity. Don’t go in without a clear objective and an end point. Next is compassion, which is the personal part where you ask if they’re okay and if you can help, as there’s certainly a way to separate the difficult conversation part with the human empathy part.
Next is curiosity, which is about asking questions because this shouldn’t be a one-sided conversation where someone sits in silence. A dialogue brings you to the next principle — compromise. If you’re lucky, there might be a solution to be had right there. The last two are credibility, about recognizing your words are only as good as your actions, and finally courage.
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FP Work: That one seems very important.
RCM: Without it, you can’t have the conversation at all. So many hard conversations that need to be had are just not happening right now. That’s really the worst thing you can do, because they’re not going to go away if you just ignore them. In fact, they’re only going to get worse.
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