Most people have at least someone in their lives they would classify as difficult, says psychologist Dr Rebecca Ray. While she says it’s human nature not to get along with everyone, a “difficult person” goes beyond just being someone who rubs you up the wrong way.
“Ultimately you have to take responsibility because difficult people are not going to change,” says Dr Rebecca Ray.Credit: Stocksy
Instead, she says, they’re “someone who transgresses your boundaries time and time again”. Alternatively, they may process their emotions externally, expressed as yelling, manipulation or some other behaviour that is problematic. Such people not only make us uncomfortable, they also consume a lot of our emotional energy.
Don’t pin your hopes on trying to change the other person. Genuinely difficult people usually don’t have the insight that they are such hard work.
Ray says this happens because humans have a negativity bias, meaning we tend to pour more energy into things we find upsetting. Yet it can be tricky to realise you’re dealing with such a person in the first place. That’s because they have a “masterful way of making us think that we’re the problem”, Ray says.
Once you recognise that someone is constantly pushing your buttons, it’s time to consider how you want to deal with the situation. Don’t pin your hopes on trying to change the other person. Ray says that genuinely difficult people usually don’t have the insight that they are such hard work. Even if they did, she adds, they’re unlikely to want to change. They may lack the psychological skills to do so, or they may be benefiting from the relationship in its current form, so have no desire to change the status quo.
Instead of trying to change a person, Ray says you need to re-evaluate how you interact with them. “As an adult, you have permission to make the rules about which other adults get access to you, and which other adults are removed from your life,” says Ray, the author of a new book, Difficult People.
That can feel more challenging if the difficult person is someone you feel indebted to, such as your boss or a family member. In those cases, Ray says you may wish to tweak the way you communicate. If your boss is extra challenging, you could downgrade your interactions, swapping face-to-face meetings for emails or Zoom calls.
“If it’s a family member,” Ray continues, “perhaps you can resort to texting them or emailing, or restrict contact to, say, certain seasons, like a card for Father’s Day or their birthday.”
But if the situation is causing you significant mental distress, it might be time to head for the door. Sometimes, we need to make decisions for our own self-protection in the long term, and those decisions are hard. That may involve removing the person from your life altogether. Ray strongly recommends doing so if the person continues to demonstrate the same behaviour with no regard for how it makes you feel.
Walking away from a difficult person can be easier said than done. Ray knows that first-hand: after years of dealing with a narcissistic family member who continually overstepped her boundaries, she moved to a new town and restricted how often she interacted with that person. “I don’t want to make it sound easy,” says Ray. “But ultimately you have to take responsibility because difficult people are not going to change.”
Part of creating a better life for yourself involves surrounding yourself with those who lift you up. Ray says the healing effect of such people can counteract some damage done by those who are difficult. It can also remind you there are still good people out there.
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