My sister is 12 years older than me, in her early 70s. We have always had a “seesaw”“ relationship. When it’s good, we go on holiday together and share laughs.. However, she is also prone to making snide remarks and, when challenged, claims they are in jest or have been misinterpreted. She is also controlling, rather snobbish and won’t accept other people’s opinions if they conflict with her own ideas of “how things should be done”.
I suspect she might be jealous of me because I’m younger, more easygoing, have an outwardly more glamorous lifestyle and seemed to attract more praise from our parents.
The nadir came when our mother died and she insisted on being the only person dealing with the funeral. She refused to help me go through our late mother’s things and engineered the funeral date to be two months after my mother had died and to coincide with my birthday.
I felt distressed by this and saw a bereavement counsellor, whose advice was that now our parents have died, it’s up to me to decide whether and how often I should see my sister.
I decided I only wanted to see her if we could have a candid talk and apply lessons learned so we could have a more mature and balanced relationship. My sister stonewalled me and said there was “no use raking over the past”.
I feel torn. On the one hand it feels heartless not to see my sister but I also feel life is short and I no longer wish to tolerate her manipulation and intermittent jibes. You can’t change people, can you?
Ah if only we could, but then, who would get to decide how they should change? I felt sad for both you and your sister: there’s obviously been a lot of pain for each of you. Whenever I answer a letter from siblings with a difficult relationship I always think of Alexander Milov’s sculpture, Love: two adults turned away from each other while their inner children try to connect. I think this is why your relationship seesaws: there are parts of both of you which try to connect, but the differences between you are so deep rooted they pull you apart again.
It was really significant that your sister arranged your mother’s funeral on your birthday. It speaks of loss and hurt she felt at your arrival all those years ago. If you did get more praise from your parents that must have been hard for her. But I certainly don’t want to negate the effect she has on you: you both have stories to tell which need to be heard. Sibling relationships are famously impactful; my podcast on them remains the most listened-to episode to date.
I went to AFT registered family psychotherapist Reenee Singh. We talked about how it might have been for your sister, 12 years on her own with your parents before you came along.
But she also said that “lots of people don’t understand that you don’t have to be exceptionally close to your sibling, nor do you have to be cut off from them. It’s possible to have something in between. You don’t have to be best friends; you could have a more ‘formal’ relationship.”
Singh thought the see-sawing might be happening because one of you reaches out, suggests a holiday together but the minute you get close “all the old rivalries and jealousies emerge and the snide comments come out”. It’s very hard to break these patterns if you don’t talk about what those rivalries are based on.
People usually make snide remarks when they have feelings they believe aren’t listened to or they dare not voice because they fear a rupture which won’t be repaired. Singh wondered if you and your sister would consider therapy, even though we note your sister didn’t want to “rake over the past”. I wonder how much your parents did to smooth out sibling difference (up to a point it’s their responsibility) and so maybe a third person can help now.
You may never have the relationship you wanted, but it may be possible to salvage something. If you do manage to carve out some sort of relationship, Singh suggested boundaries: maybe shorter holidays, separate accommodation, acknowledging when things “kick off” and avoiding those situations where possible. But, maybe, right now, a bit of benign silence is the best way forward to allow you both to think about what you really want.
For counselling information visit: British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy Bacp.co.uk; UK Council for Psychotherapy ukcp.org.uk.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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