Yeah, I know. The title would be a lot more enticing if it said you could change your life in three easy steps, or 20. Sorry! Change doesn’t happen all at once. It usually doesn’t happen quickly. That may be disappointing if you’re eager for things to be different. But the good news is that tiny changes add up.
Plus, small steps are much easier to actually make happen. You don’t need a big chunk of time or dramatic effort to start moving towards your goals.
The first step is figuring out what you want to change. Most of us do best when we focus on one area at a time. You may want things to be different with your job, your health, your marriage, your clutter, and your family, but pick one to start. Begin either with what’s most troubling to you or with where you think you can most easily make changes.
The second step is framing your goal constructively.
For instance, “losing weight” is a reasonable goal. But you’re more likely to have consistent success if instead you aim to “get healthier,” “take better care of my body” or “make healthy food choices more of the time and pay attention to when I’m full.” Those are more positive; they help you visualize what you’re working toward, rather than worrying about every up and down on the scale.
Organizing your steps
In a minute, we’ll talk about the kinds of small steps that can move you forward. First, though, consider how you’ll want to organize yourself. Almost every client I work with finds they do better when they actually write things down rather than trying to keep steps in their head.
Me, I’m a paper person. I use a paper calendar, because I find paper works better for me than using my phone. I keep some lists on my device, but for to-do lists, I always use paper. That makes it harder for me to forget about what I need to do; the paper is sitting on my desk where I have to see it. It also reduces the risk I’ll get sucked into something else on my device when I go to make a note to myself.
How about you? Are you best keeping to-do lists and appointments on your phone or on paper? Some people find an electronic calendar that synchs with other devices invaluable. Setting reminders and notifications can be really helpful.
If you’re not sure whether paper or digital is a better fit for you, try each way for a month and see what works.
Once you figure out some of the steps you’ll take to move toward your goals, write them down. You might have separate lists for different aspects of your life or goals, like “People to call” or “Healthier recipes to try.” Or you might add one or two goal-oriented steps to your everyday to-do list.
Also consider what’s most satisfying after you’ve completed an action. I love crossing things off my list (and crumpling up the whole completed list before I toss it). You may enjoy pressing delete. Build in small bursts of satisfaction and accomplishment as you move toward your goals.
Putting it into action
Start with small, easy steps. Clean out one drawer or pile of papers or corner of the closet. Go for a 10-minute walk down your street, or just park farther from a store’s entrance. Make one phone call. Eat one cookie (savoring each bite) instead of five. All of these are tiny, easy-to-fit-in-your-day steps, which you can feel proud of yourself for doing.
Depending on what you’re working toward, gathering information may be essential. This can be a whole lot of steps, but again, each is small and simple to accomplish.
What gyms and exercise classes would be convenient for you? Go online, make some phone calls, ask friends what classes they like (and why). Where can you find tasty, healthy recipes? Ask friends; thumb through cookbooks and magazines; find websites that inspire you.
Or if you’d like to find a new job, what might that job be? You could talk to a career counselor about jobs that would fit your skills and interests. Network with friends and acquaintances who can connect you with people in a field you’re considering to get the inside scoop. Read recruitment ads for those jobs so you know what employers are looking for. If you need additional training, what kind? Where can you get it, locally or online? Who can help you update your resume?
Know thyself
In order for changes to stick, they have to fit with who you are. You’ll have to do some things differently — otherwise, you’re stuck in same old, same old — but changes will be easier if they’re aligned with your style.
Experiment with what works for you. Do you do best with a bigger project, like cleaning out a whole closet, or a smaller, chip-away-at-it approach, like cleaning out one drawer today? (If you’re a big-project person, block out the time on your calendar so you actually make it happen.)
What time of day is best for you to exercise? Are you most energetic when you work out first thing in the morning, midday or after work?
What healthier foods do you (at least kind of) like? If you absolutely hate, say, yogurt but think that’s what you should be eating for breakfast, you’ll easily be tempted back to things you want to avoid.
Find different breakfast options you like well enough to eat most days. (Do give yourself time to acquire new tastes … but if you’ve tried something a dozen times and you still can’t stand it, don’t force it.)
Pay attention to the little feelings of satisfaction that happen with each small step toward your goal. Be proud of yourself for getting things off your list, especially when they’re things you had to gear yourself up to do.
Ignore any voices (someone else’s, or the soundtrack in your head) that say small steps forward aren’t enough. One step at a time is the only way anyone moves ahead. Just keep making small steps, and you’ll get where you want to go.
Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.
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